Remaining Hopeful in the Waiting

Well, this last week has been roller coaster of emotions.  Last Saturday, Stephen began having a clear runny nose.  My stomach sank the first time he coughed and continued to do so each time after.  The whole week was spent wondering if the surgery was even going to happen rather than preparing for it.  And, to an extent, I wasn't even sure what outcome I wanted!

Super tough kiddo after his labs were drawn!

And though his nose has remained clear, his cough is all but gone, his CBC and CRP levels were perfect, and chest X-Ray and lungs were clear...his nasal swab came back positive for the rhinovirus and after a four hour pre-op appointment yesterday, we are now back to square one.

Crazy.  I have so many thoughts and yet still don't know what to think....is that even possible?  On one hand I should probably feel disappointed.  Having it put off isn't exactly convenient.  We have been mentally and physically preparing for July 2nd.  I have organized the plan with family for the older 3, purchased hospital snacks, lined up house/pet sitters, let my food run low at home since I was planing on today being the last day here and so on.

Yet, I have peace over it.  I don't feel disappointment, I don't feel relief...honestly, I am not really sure what I feel.  I feel sort or blank, whatever that means.  If nothing more, this postponement has once again proved I am not in control.  Of course I need to plan.  I will need to once again (when we get a date) figure out when/where the kiddos will go.  I will need to pack/prepare and be somewhat organized.  But still, I will have a better perspective of my place in it all.  I am blessed to be a wife and a mom and I LOVE taking care of my family, but I often grasp at control through it.  I somehow always go back to thinking I can plan/organize my way into control...but I can't.  I can honestly say I think this next time around I will have more peace.  I may still have anxiety & fear (and I am OK with that) but I hope to enter it fully knowing God, and God alone, is in control.

I mean shoot...there is NOTHING I could have done differently to have prevented this.  NOTHING.  And so, again I loosen my grasp a little more.

So for now we exhale.  We are back to square one and will be awaiting a call on an unknown day about an unknown surgery date.  I don't know if we will hear this week, or next.  I don't know if it will now be at the end of July or in August.  I don't know if I will get weeks notice or less.  I am right back to "I don't know"...but praise God, HE does.  And that is where my peace comes from.  I fully believe His hand is in this.  I know He is right here with us, and so I take comfort in knowing that I don't need to know it all.  I will choose to remain hopeful in the waiting.

For those looking for specific way to pray, please continue to pray for the health of our entire family.  It is now clear that one minor bug is all it will take to delay, so pray we can all be symptom free!  Pray for the hearts of each of our kids.  It affects each of them so differently, but they feel the affect of all of this too.  They are missing out on so much right now.  And pray for God's peace to continue to rest on Stephen.  He has been handling all of the tests/swabs/pokes and appointments SO well.  Pray that he would be in perfect health for the surgery (whenever it may be) and that he would have a speedy and uneventful recovery!

And thank you for ALL of the support you have been showing our family.  It is truly touching.  This has been a rough week, but I have felt so cared for...thank you!