Brokenness

I want to thank each of your for your kind words of encouragement and commitments to prayer.  Tears streamed down my face as I read each and every one.  In case you missed the "Update Post" on his recent ECHO you can find it here...  Not the new I wanted to hear

Brokenness is hard.  The truth is that from the day we found out about Stephen's heart condition until now I have always remained a little broken on the inside.  There are plenty of great days, and even days/weeks that I forget that there is anything wrong with my sweet boy.  But most days his scar serves as a reminder to me of how different and fragile he is on the inside and this Mommy's heart aches...sometimes a little and sometimes more.  

There are still days when I question God on "why?" and wish that he could be just another normal 3 year old boy.   Those days are few and far between...but they still come.  Yet each time they do I am reminded of God's faithfulness and love.  I am reminded of all he has done and will continue to do through Stephen's life.  I am reminded of how He has always given us everything we need from the simplest timing of a text of encouragement to His unexplainable peace through Stephen's past surgeries.  And daily I am reminded of joy.  God has given Stephen such a joyful spirit that there is no question as to where that joy comes from.  His smile daily melts my heart!

Brokenness is a blessing.  It is my brokenness that has always drawn me closer to God.  It is my brokenness that reminds me of my desperate need for a Savior.  In my brokenness I am humbled.  I am reminded that I can't do everything on my own...though trust me I try.  In my brokenness God grows me.  He shapes me and molds me into the woman He desires.  Brokenness hurts...but brokenness draws me to God.   

Brokenness brought us life.  I love this quote...

"To us, broken things are despised as worthless, but God can take what has been broken and remake it into something better, something that He can use for His glory.  Broken things and broken people are the result of sin. Yet God sent his Son, who was without sin, to be broken so that we might be healed. On the night before He died, Jesus broke the bread and said, “This is my body, which is broken for you.” He went all the way to Calvary to die so that we can live. His death has made it possible for broken, sinful humanity to be reconciled to God and be healed. Without the broken body of Jesus, we could not be made whole. “But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed” Isaiah 53:5

It is Christ's brokenness that I find hope.  "Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him".  While I pray for Stephen's heart to be strengthened, I more fervently pray that it will turn to God.  I pray that God will continue to draw Stephen closer to Him and that he will choose to follow Christ all the days of his life.  

Yes...right now I am broken.  I have been broken.  You may not see the brokenness...but it is there.  Yesterday I needed to cry but I also needed to be strong.  I had to receive that news in front of our 4 kids and I didn't want them to know I was scared or worried.  Luckily in the car I was able to mask the tears with sunglasses and for the most part I was able to hold it all together...minus one or two "let it all out" incidents to a few friends.  I am scared.  I have been scared.  The unknown is never fun.  But I will continue to "trust in the name of the Lord our God" ... and keep working on the whole "do not be anxious" command =)

Though this path may not be pleasant, I am grateful to not walk it alone.  "For this God is our God for ever and ever; he will be our guide even to the end" Psalm 48:14.  

This week at church we have the privilege of having Philip and Jessica Morlan from Seeds Family Worship speak at our Family Element event.  While I purchased their CDs to teach my kiddos God's Word their music has blessed me greatly.  Their songs are joyful, encouraging and directly from the Bible.  Yesterday this song was playing as we drove  from the hospital to church...it was just what I needed to hear.

Thank you again for your love, support, encouragement and prayers.  The Body of Christ is  beautiful and I am grateful for you all.   

I wanted to conclude with a prayer a friend sent me yesterday...

Dear Father God, 
Thank you for precious Stephen. Thank you for placing him here on earth with with us. Thank you for his happy smiles and the joy he brings to every day.  Lord God, we know that the very best thing that can happen for Stephen is that he know and love Jesus. We thank you that he seems to be right on track with this most important outcome. We thank you for Joe and Kim and their faithful modelling of love for You. We pray for Stephen that this ACE inhibitor will do it's job and keep Stephen's heart function from declining even more. But, Lord, we pray beyond that, too, that You, the Great Physician would strengthen Stephen's heart. We want Stephen to stay with us a long time on earth to share his joy and the work You are doing in his life.  We pray that this is your will, too.  Please strengthen and comfort Joe and Kim. Give them your wisdom to know how to face this news and how to trust You in this new season. We love You, Lord, and thank You that You walk through all of life with us. 

AMEN!

Not the news I wanted to hear...

Finding his hand prints in the Cardiology Clinic

Today has been rough.  I went into the appointment nervous and I left feeling broken and scared.  Stephen has always done incredibly well.  His cardiologist was only having him do yearly ECHOS because his heart was so strong and he saw no reason for that to change.  My biggest fear was hearing he need the surgery sooner than later and instead I was blindsided to find out that his heart function has actually decreased...not good =(

While he is still in the normal range, he is resting at the bottom of it.  It is serious enough that he will get put on an ACE inhibitor twice a day in hopes that it will help his heart to not decrease anymore...which would be a sign of something more serious.  If Stephen's heart function were to remain where it is today for the rest of his life he would be fine...if it continues to drop we will have some serious problems.  Problems I am hoping never become a reality =(  This news was hard to hear especially because they have no idea why this happens...it just sometimes does.

As for the surgery he does not think Stephen is quite ready.  He needs to gain a little more weight and it will most likely occur 6-9 months for now.  The problem with his heart now has nothing to do with the surgery so having it (or not having it) will make no difference in its function.

So...the  plan for now is to do repeat ECHOS every 3 months and he will be seen again in October to monitor where his function is at.  Please PRAY that it does not decrease but that it will remain the same... or even better that it will miraculously increase!

These next 3-6-9 months will not be easy for me.  You may not always see the brokenness...but its there.  This is the reality of my life a heart mom.  The are high highs and low lows.  It is scary and unknown and I would really appreciate your prayers.

And though I did not receive the news I was hoping for I will praise God for how well Stephen handled it all.  He was incredible.  He laid still for 45 minutes while they took 114 pictures of his heart.  He was never worried or scared but was all smiles and even tickled the technician.  For that I am grateful!  May God continue to protect him and strengthen him and use his life to touch this world.  I hate the unknowns that lie ahead...but I am grateful to have a God that never changes and will continue to provide for all of our needs.

"The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them;

    he delivers them from all their troubles.

18 

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted

    and saves those who are crushed in spirit"

 Thank you for your faithful prayers...they truly mean the world to our family!

Much Love In Christ,

Kim

Yearly ECHO

If you haven't noticed I have been pretty quiet on hear lately.  With talks of surgeries and cath labs the gravity of Stephen's condition became all too real and too emotional.  Matter of fact this past week has been hard.  A fellow Heart Mama and friend's daughter Teagan underwent open heart surgery (the one Stephen is awaiting) and I have been wreck on the inside.  I have sat and cried as I have read each update and remembered what it felt like to be in that place and pictured how it will feel to be in that place again soon...and it breaks me.

I break at the thought of that being Stephen.  At the thought of it being him wheeled away and opened up.  At the thought of it being him in pain with writes, line and tubes.  It breaks me.  I have physically ached this past week for my friend and her daughter.   Yet I am also encouraged at Teagan's love of God and her trust in Him and I pray that Stephen too would follow in those steps and handle all of this with as much strength and trust as this sweet little girl has.  If you would like to join me in praying for Teagan you can follow her story at http://babygirlmaxwell.blogspot.com

SO this brings me to tomorrow.  Tomorrow we go down for Stephen's yearly ECHO.  I know full well we will be discussing this future surgery and the timing of it.  I am hoping (and praying) for great news.  I am praying that his heart is strong, his oxygen is good and his body can wait a year (or more)
before undergoing it.  I also know full well that I may not receive the news I wan't to hear...but either way I pray for God's clear guidance.  I wan't to be at peace with the decision...whatever decision that may be.  I wan't to do what is best for Stephen, even if what is best is also the most painful.

So please join me in prayer tomorrow.  His ECHO is at 12:30 and his appointment with his

This little guy always brings me joy!

Cardiologist is at 2:20.  Pray that God would clearly direct our paths.  Pray that Stephen's heart is strong and healthy.  And pray that God would continue to draw Stephen closer to Him and give him the joy, peace and strength he will need in the road to come.  This is also the first time will be able to attempt the ECHO without him needed to be sedated (praise God) so please pray that he is able to lie their rather still for about an hour so they can't get all of the images they need =)

I will try to update in the next few days (maybe even late tomorrow) but we have a big event at our church the next 3 nights that we will be going straight to from the hospital to set up for and run...not ideal timing but it is what it is =)

Thank you for all of your prayers and support...they are truly appreciated!

Much Love in Christ,
Kim