A Heartfelt Ramble

I have done a lot thinking since we found out about Stephen's condition.  As a Christian I struggled with idea that God created my son with only half a heart.  I understood that we live in a fallen world and that pain and death exist because of sin but still I didn't know what to do with that knowledge when reading Psalm 139.  How could God, the God of love and compassion, knit my son together imperfectly.  He designed the heart.  He knows exactly how it should be and yet he "knit" it in such a way that it wouldn't be compatible with life...how can that be?  It goes on to say... 

"My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body" 

I am sure you can see where I struggled with this passage.  I never believed that God designed Stephen with half a heart, I knew He allowed it, but he didn't choose this for Stephen or for us as his parents.  Yet other believers in hopes of comforting us said things like "God choose you" or  "God gave this to you because he knew you could handle it".  I mean thank you for thinking so highly of us...but really?  I have thought about those words for over a year and finally had the "aha" moment a few months back when I realized...no He didn't!  God didn't look down upon Joe and I and will for this to happen.  He didn't begin to knit Stephen together and think "maybe I'll give him half a heart for my glory and heck Joe and Kim are strong enough to take it"  Rather Stephen's heart is a result of a fallen world.  I had many conversations with Joe and my brothers about God's design, sin, the fall and all of the consequences that have resulted.  If you only knew how much I have pondered the moment sin entered the world.  I have questioned what it was like and how did it all start to unravel.  How did our genes begin to alter, or tornados begin to exist.  What made the lion all the sudden want to eat the lamb and spiders...why spiders?  
All of these crazy thoughts stemmed from me wanting to know that my God didn't choose this for my son.  I am okay with him allowing for nature to take its course but it never sat well with me think that he chose this for us or anyone for that matter.  That didn't line up with who I knew God to be.  
So funny that I stubbled upon this article tonight.  It very much so reflects some of my thoughts and beliefs on this subject and closely resembles a conversation I had with my older brother...read it Mark...you will smile.

Are Birth Defects Really Part of God's Plan?

I too find comfort that one day Stephen's heart, and all of our imperfections, will be made perfect.  I hold tight to the promises of God and while pain and suffering suck...really really suck...I know that through our pain we are drawn closer to him.  

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,whenever you face trials of many kinds,  because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything" James 1:2-4

While I don't find joy in Stephen's condition, I find joy in God's promise.  I find joy that through my suffering and trials I am being made complete.  I don't believe that God chose this for Stephen but I do believe He will use it for His glory and make us stronger and more complete in Him because of it.  And lastly our sufferings are never in vein when we look to the cross.  Christ himself humbled himself and suffered on our behalf.  It is his suffering and death that gives us true hope.  Hope in what is to come.  We will all suffer, face trails of many kinds and know more pain on this earth than we sometimes think we can bare.  We suffer because of sin and sin alone.  When sin entered the world nature was effected and death became reality.  What amazes me is God's love for us.  That no matter how many times we blow him off, choose idols, money and people over him, he never gave up on us.  He sent His son to pay the ultimate price that we may receive what we don't deserve.  Is that amazing grace or what!  

I know this post is a bit of a ramble.  I read the article and just had to write.  This may not be articulate or very well thought out but I felt the need to share anyway.  While I have wrestled through many thoughts, emotions and feelings I am always amazed at God's love and provision.  He has seen use through every step of the way and given me peace through raging storms.  Reflecting on my own journey I often wonder how one gets through these hard times without God.  I have met so many others who suffer without the hope that we have in Christ and it breaks my heart.   I don't know where this post might find some of you...but he won't give up on you...never.  He didn't will for you to go through this pain or for your child to, but he will see you through it.  He loves you more than you could ever know and He sent His only son to die that you may have eternal life in Him.  There is hope in suffering...you just have to accept it.  Your life won't be perfect but it will have purpose.

‘“The Lord bless you

    and keep you;

25 

the Lord make his face shine on you

    and be gracious to you;

26 

the Lord turn his face toward you

    and give you peace.”’ 

In Him,

Kim

Check Up

This morning Stephen went in for his first sedated echo.  Sixth months ago when he last had one they were not able to sedate him because he had a little wheezing in his lungs.  Luckily we had done our job and made him so tired he just slept through the whole thing.
Today was our first experience with  Chloral Hydrate, the medicine they used to sedate him.  They kind of freak you out with all the warnings like wake them up every 20 minutes, don't let them go into a deep sleep and call 911 immediately if you notice any irregular breathing problems...great.  Stephen wasn't allowed to eat any solids or drink milk for 6 hours prior to the procedure and had to stop clear liquids 2 hours before so I thought he would gladly drink whatever they put in front of him...wrong.  The poor guy cried it all down.  Apparently it can take some kids up to 30 minutes to fall asleep, Stephen fell asleep in 5.  He was out.  Since I had hardly any sleep the night before I myself almost fell asleep during the 30 minute procedure with the lights down low =0)
Once the echo and EKG were done it was time for him to wake up.  This seemed even more cruel.  We kept him up late last night and woke him p early this morning so he would be really tired for them.  We then drug him to fell asleep  give him a 30 minute nap and then wake him up...a little unfair but necessary.  He was a crack up.  The medicine makes him all loopy and well "drunk" looking.  He couldn't control his head or eyes at first but you could tell he wanted to.  We gave him some watered down gatorade and heading over to his cardiologist.  He was way crankier than normal...but what could we expect.  We were supposed to weight 30 minutes before giving him food but we just felt bad for him and caved in earlier.  While waiting in our room he desperately wanted down but he couldn't sit himself up so we went back and forth between the floor and our arms and then eventually fell asleep while we were talking to the doctor in the funniest position.  He was in my arms facing me and then pushed back as to look at the ceiling, so as I cupped my hand beneath his head he just fell asleep in an instant.  It was pretty cute =0)
Onto the best part...Stephen is doing AMAZING!!!  The doctor said he couldn't be doing better.  It felt so great to hear those words.  Such a relief and a praise.  He said he has 2 great things going for him, a strong ventricle and a greta family.  I love our doctor.  But really ventricle and us aside...we all know the greatest thing he has going for him.  I know his story could have gone so many different ways, but God has seen him through it all and has blessed him every step of the way.
He did send Stephen home with a 24 hour holter again for some extra monitoring because of the heart block he experienced during his cardiac catheterization before his second open heart surgery.  Stephen has 7 giant leads taped onto his chest and surprisingly has only pulled one off!  Assuming all is well he won't be seen again until January and he won't need another echo for a year!  It can hardly imagine that...I almost want him to have another one just for my own peace of mind =0) 
Needless to say today was a answer to many prayers...so thank you for your continued support!  We appreciate you all!
Much Love
The Russells