The Dreaded Cath Lab

A smile exchanged with Daddy during
recovery from his cath lab procedure

Stephen's rocked his 2nd OHS at 4 months old.

However, before we get to that, we are going talk CATH LAB.  I dread these words.

Before Stephen was able to "qualify" for the surgery he had to undergo a cath lab (cardiac catheterization) procedure to check his pressures.  They basically stick a tiny catheter into a blood vessel through his groin and thread it to the heart.  During this procedure Stephen went into stage 2 heart block...not good.  While we didn't hear about it until after they "fixed" it, it was not the news we were hoping to get.  I share this with you to better understand my fears come May...when he again has to go to the dreaded cath lab.  Stephen is at a greater risk of recurring heart block, and has a greater chance he will eventually need a pace maker inserted in the future.  It is one of the many CHD slaps in the face that we have felt.  The reality is he could be fine, the procedure could go well and we could potentially go home the next day.  Or he could go into heart block again...and it could be worse.  Those are the blows that CHD throws at you.  There are NEVER guarantees...never.   They can never say he WILL be fine.  They can never say he WILL come back.  They can NEVER say the words that you want to hear...that you NEED to hear.  Instead...instead you sign papers.  Scary papers with scary words.  Instead you are told everything that can go wrong...EVERYTHING.  And then...and then you have to hand them over anyways.

He had to lay still on his back for 2 hours after
the procedure, not an easy task for a
3 month old who wants to be held!
But, he still smiled!

The REALITY...nothing is ever a "simple" procedure when you have such a severe heart defect.  Anytime these kiddos undergo anesthesia they are always at a greater risk than a "normal" child.  And the fact is, not all kids make it out.  I know...that's morbid  and yes it is more "rare" but it is also a reality.  A reality many parents in our heart community have faced and one that I can't just shake off.  Anytime Stephen under goes a procedure will always be a HUGE risk.  Percentages have come to mean far less to me after his diagnosis.  When your child constantly falls in the "less than 1%" category hearing that 99% of kids are fine just doesn't matter.


So one thing you can begin praying for is his safety and protection through the Cath procedure.  It is going to be painful for me to sign off on this.  During his last cardiology appointment in December I agreed to go through with it in May, but I told the cardiologist I wouldn't call to schedule...they had better call me.  I can't do it.  I can't bring myself to dial the number to do it.  It is just easier when they call.  That was the plan.  I didn't like the plan...I just excepted the plan.  Now, the plan has changed.  We have new insurance, we need new doctors, and I have to initiate everything.  I have to tell the doctor he is supposed to have surgery this summer...I have to request it really.  I don't know if I should laugh or cry...probably both!

So pray for this mamas heart.  It is already crumbling.  I am not trying to be overdramatic...though I am good at it.  I am just giving you a glimpse into me.  My life, my worries, my fears, my heart.  I want to be strong for him, but I know I can't do it on my own.  Praise God that his strength is made perfect in my weakness...because I am weak.  But I know He loves me.  He loves me deeply.  He created me, He knows me, He cares for me, He sees me.  I serve a God that not only understands, but goes before me.  That, that is my comfort.  That is where my hope comes from and where my strength is found.  And that same love He has for me, He has for Stephen.  So I choose to TRUST that good will continue to come from all of this.  That God will transform our suffering through faith.  That He will not let it go to waste, but that He will use it for His kingdom.  "The highest good God can bring out of our suffering is our own and others' salvation."

Fittingly, I write this on the first day of Lent.  A time to reflect on Christ and his sacrifices and suffering for our salvation.  A time to stop and put things back into perceptive.  I am grateful for this time.  I need this time.  The resurrection provides the very context through which Christians suffer.

Lastly, I want to share a quote with you on this...

"Belief in Jesus' promise to remove and redeem all suffering--and bring us into a domain of perfect love and joy is essential to the Christian experience of 'suffering well'.  When we affirm this truth, suffering can no longer be ultimately tragic.  Yes, it can produce terrible pain, grief, loneliness, emptiness, fear, and frustration but these negative states are only temporary if we believe in the resurrection and put the redemption of our suffering into the hands of the loving God."

Ok....one more quote.  Because I want you to understand that yes...my heart fails.  Yes, my life can be hard, but this...this is what I cling to!  And in preparation for what is enviable I have been reading more on suffering, and suffering well.

"For Jesus and the loving father, suffering and death are punctuated realities that incite us to choose who we are and who we will become-necessary moments in the process of self-definition, our ultimate dignity.  Since they are temporary, there can be tragedy, but no ultimate tragedy; grief, but no ultimate grief; weakness, anxiety, and pain, but no ultimate weakness, anxiety and pain; sadness, but no ultimate sadness--no despair.  Therefore, suffering and death are transcended by love, joy, and life--the only real absolutes--in the Kingdom of God."

God Bless!