A Mother's Heart

When I found out about Stephen I was more than devastated...I was heartbroken.  The pain was very real.  I physically ached for my son and felt like I had nothing left in me.  I felt helpless.  I kept thinking about all he would one day have to endure and how as his mother I could do nothing to take it away from him.   I felt hopeless.  I was basically being told that I would outlive him and that one day I would have to bury my child.  That killed me.  I know we don’t know how long any of us have here, and there is no guarantee for a tomorrow, but this brought that reality to life.  I felt guilty.  Was this my fault?  Was it something I did or didn’t do?  Was God trying to teach me something?  Was I not listening?  Boy does the devil try to get in your head.   I quickly learned (with the help of my brother) why we must hold each thought captive and to discard any of those thoughts that come my way.  God didn’t allow this out of spite or because I wasn’t being the best wife/mother, etc.  I may never really know “why” Stephen’s heart didn’t form properly, but I do know that he promises good can come from our sufferings and Joe and I have already seen sweet glimpses.  

I have a stronger marriage.  Joe and I have clung to each other and God through this.  The way he has held me up and supported me made me fall deeper in love with him.  I always knew he was amazing...but seriously...he rocks.  He provides me such strength and comfort.  The night we found out I was a mess.  I went to bed at 7 and he just held me and did crosswords with me until I couldn’t keep my eyes open.  Every time I wept he pulled me in closer.  I am so thankful to have him and it is my prayer that we come out of this closer than ever.

I am a better mother.  It hit me how much of our anger is a result of our own sin.  I always hated how easily frustrated I could get with my kids.  I could go from relatively normal to boiling in like 2 seconds.  This news changed that.  For a good month I couldn’t yell.  Nothing could upset me enough to even raise my voice.  It wasn’t important.  My perspective on even their behavior had changed.  It wouldn’t upset me.  I still didn’t approve of their actions, but I would calmly deal with there behavior issues and truly discipline out of love not frustration.  It was strange and nice.  I wish I could say I haven’t yelled since...but I have.  The point is I have a better perspective on what is important in life.   My kids are awesome and bring me so much joy.  I choose to give them more of my time, not my computer, chores, TV, etc.  Our time is precious and I want to make the most of it.  I pray that I will not take them for granted and that I will always remember just how blessed I am.  

I have a deeper understanding of God.  When I felt like I was the only one who knew this pain I was humbled at the thought that God sent Christ to go before us all.  He watched his son be born, suffer, and die.  There is nothing that Stephen, or any of us, will in a sense go through that Christ our Savior didn’t.   He was born, suffered and died...but most importantly he was resurrected. That is where I find my hope.  As Joe has shared, our sufferings are not pointless but can produce hope...hope in what is to come.  I pray that I can stay focussed on the hope and allow God's peace to rule in me.  

So this is now our story.  It is not one I would choose for myself and would gladly let it be taken off my plate.  People have told me this will make me stronger...I don’t doubt it.  But I would rather be weak and have my baby in my arms then enter this unknown.   Nevertheless we have a new normal.  I pray that I continue to walk in the grace that God gives me.  I am grateful for his mercies that are new every morning...a phrase that can sound so cliche, but has become so real.  God has given me what I need to get through today...tomorrow’s worries just have to wait.

And lastly I have been in awe of the body of Christ.  It is so much more powerful and real than I ever realized.  I have been touched by how loved and supported we are.  People have such genuine concern for us and our son...it is a truly beautiful thing.  Thank you again for praying for Stephen.  Knowing how many people are lifting him up to God has brought us great peace.   We know we don’t walk through this alone, but have a great support of believers, family, and God himself who will see us through whatever the future may hold. When Joe and I were married we had this verse inscribed on our rings... 

“For this God is our God for ever and ever; he will be our guide even to the end”.  

Psalm 48:14

God has guided us thus far...and he will continue to do so.

~Kim